Dating in Kampala
Rihanna was not wrong when she sang “We all want love”. Relationships are very essential to our psychosocial wellbeing. They help us see different sides of ourselves, comfort us, give us company, reassurance and hopefully, — peace in a tumultuous world, etcetera.
From a personal stand point, I do not know if the people in this busy town of “enjoyments” understand the concept of love, dating and romance. The way we are comfortable with lying, cheating and going on with our lives like there is no emotional repercussion surprises me to say the least. I will not say much about the sexual network.
“Kampala has happened to me” is a euphemism for you assumed your importance in someone’s life and got your heart broken. Or you went to a party and met your boyfriend’s actual girlfriend and it wasn’t the girl you forgave him thrice for cheating on you with. Or you were going through WhatsApp updates from Easter and found out the good man who gave you butterflies and you told your mom about baptised his third baby and was happily married all along. Or that your girlfriend with whom you’ve mapped a future and are diligently building is in it for the cheap thrills and already did a Kukyaala with her actual husband. The list is endless - every where stew, everywhere pepper!
We should all stand up!!! Collectively, and seek some guidance. We need to figure out whether polygamy and polyandry are concepts we should embrace; and accept that monogamy was not for us after all. Seeing as bursting nuts, back to back proposals and fancy weddings are more important than learning, understanding, actually loving someone, nurturing one another and growing into a meaningful financially stable connection.
Polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses. When a man is married to more than one wife at the same time.
Polyandry is a form of polygamy in which a woman takes two or more husbands at the same time.
There are many things I have failed to understand. Why are you marrying someone you hate? Why are you still fucking your ex from 3 years ago? Why is it okay for you to have people on a coitus roster? Do you know that people can just be kind to you without necessarily bumping nasties? Why don’t you tap into the confidence you use to disrespect your partners- who have genuinely loved, supported and cared for you, to tell them “I do not feel the same way anymore”? Why are you carrying the trauma from your stretched out hoe phase into new relationships and allowing past hurt dictate how you show and receive love?
If you feel subbed by all the aforementioned questions, please read on — do something right this week. If you aren’t, I am happy for you, keep on!
Now, having reached my toxicity limit, I made the choice to be a better version of myself. I will be celebrating my silver jubilee on earth next month and figured there are certain things I can no longer be doing. I wanted to keep the things I’ve learnt to myself, and also thrive quietly like the rest of you; but mystery bores me and helping people gives me an ego boost. So I am going to tell you what I am doing to get out of the cesspool that is the Kampala dating scene.
1. Embrace your desires.
There is nothing wrong with what you want. Downplaying your desires to sustain a relationship is how you get cheated in my opinion. Marriage, scratching an itch, financial stability, procreation, company- whatever reason you have for wanting to date must guide your actions. There are people who want what you want and you won’t find and enjoy them if you lie about it. So come out with your chest and say me I want this, if they don’t have it, Keep on walking Johnnie.
2. Go to therapy.
Granted, we are not all privileged enough to pursue this step in terms of time and resources, where there is a will, there is a way. Finding a good therapist is part of the frog kissing but it must be done. Talking to someone with the appropriate skills and training to guide you through some of the challenges life will throw at you has proven more helpful than venting to my equally struggling peers. Through therapy, you will discover patterns and may develop a better understanding of yourself.
3. Embrace your humanity.
We are not self sufficient and will never be. The people who pride on being self reliant and “I can do it all” are lying, I know because I am those people. Putting so much pressure on myself to attain some form of normalcy has left me anxious and depressed for no reason to be very honest. Once you realise that you are an emotive vulnerable human being, you will do more in ensuring you are kinder to yourself and others. You will soften in the face of adversity and have a better approach to things. Progress over perfection.
I am tired of yelling this and equally embarrassed by the fact that I myself wasn’t as good at it as I thought I was; so I will not say much on this. Nonetheless, let’s all extensively google about communication and learn how to do it well, please and thanks.
Yes, remember the ABC’s of Hiv prevention in PIASCY classes? Unlike the senior woman teacher, I know your horny asses cannot abstain till you find “the one” but durex and it’s brand cousins are always ready to serve you. Maybe if we all embrace the C, all the “I married for the child” lies will be dealt with together with expensive gyn visits and yes, sexually transmitted diseases.
Bonus: People can just be kind to you without expectations. I have come to the realization that some of us catch feelings fwaaa and cause confusion. Platonic love is alive and well. Learn to receive kindness and generosity for what they are.
I charge you brothers and sisters, in the name of the newly risen celebrant, to please and please take care of people’s hearts and genitals. Be mindful of the emotional repercussions of your actions. There is no reason to traumatize one another and poison the beauty of love.
Do better but most importantly, Keep on Living🌻!