I love telling stories. As far back as primary boarding school, I would guise myself as a prefect and go to lower classes during Saturday night prep to tell stories. I do not know if pretending to be a prefect helped my case, but I recall how attentively my audience listened, careful not to miss a part. I would recount the funny tales my uncles told me about the cunning hare, how the tortoise cracked it’s shell, or movies I assumed they had not yet watched. Till this day, I love to read, hear and tell a good story.
It is therefore no surprise that despite the unbecoming light in which sharing life experiences is presently perceived , I still can’t shut tf up to save myself! The only way I can efficiently move on from anything is by extensively ranting about it — even at the risk of being exposed, I have to let it out. What sharing experiences does for me is normalize a situation enough to find a way out of it.
The point of conversation is to share experiences, understand one another and possibly solve our very common human dilemmas.
To be honest, I do not perceive oversharing as a bad thing. I tell stories with inferences from my life in the hope that someone will not feel as alone as I did when I had a similar encounter; or better yet, that I can be their first call when they need support.
Whenever I get a DM or phone call from someone I barely speak to asking for a therapist’s contact, or a solution to a day to day dilemma, it gives me joy. The peace that comes from knowing that they thought of me and I was able to help far surpasses any judgement I have received in my 5yrs of mental health activism.
Funny enough, it is often the people closest to you who misconstrue your vulnerability and openness. One of the things that compounded towards the demise of my oldest friendship was the person saying “I am not like you who tells every one that cares to listen what you’re going through.” Or some acquaintance who said “you’re hot but you talk to much.”
“You think it is a bad habit, but what you don’t know is that you’re healing every time you talk” — Aunty Linda
Not to justify the habit, but talking has helped me realize that nothing is as bad as it seems. There is no unique experience. There were people before me, and there will be people after me. Keeping negative things to myself only depletes the space and energy required to store positive memories.
Take Joyce Meyer for example, if you are an avid listener of her sermons and podcasts, you probably know the adversity and abuse she grew up through by heart. Her ability to talk about how only God could have steered her from that mess to now a charismatic Christian author, speaker, and president of Joyce Meyer Ministries with thousands of followers around the world is one of the things that drew me to her.
She simplifies daily experiences so much and never shuns from the truth — even the negative ones that you would not expect a woman of God to admit to. I believe that her vulnerability and acceptance of how recklessly human we are, yet still experience God’s endless love is how her ministry has exponentially grown over the years.
Your ability to speak and express yourself is your greatest power.
Which begs the question, is oversharing a bad habit? Or are you surrounded with small minded individuals who lack the capacity to receive what you tell them as part of a process? Do they share their perspectives with you or silently judge how unladylike your over talking is?
In respect to the fact that people do not need to know everything about you because your personal data is money, majority of the people I have asked this question strongly believe that it could be both. If you impulsively talk about your personal business, then you probably need to reign it in. If you feel shame after dominating a conversation, then it is probably an indicator that you overshared to the wrong audience.
However, if you are like me, and you aspire to use some of your experiences as a guiding light for the people coming after you, keep these in mind:
1. Diversify your friend groups
I personally prefer to be fully known, accepted and loved because I don’t want to manipulate my close friends into associating with me. However, past experiences have taught me to be cautious with my private information (things that will destroy me if the wrong person heard them). There are friends I can comfortably vent to because that is our friendship whereas others will have one response — I am fine thank you.
If it is any consolation, I literally learnt this in January 2023. If you are the only one constantly sharing private / deep information with them, then there is a chance you are in the wrong crowd. “I would suggest actively seeking people with whom you share values and possibly a love for stories. They are everywhere!” That way you have space to safely vent without pressuring your conservative / principled friends.
2. Unlearn shame
On condition that you are not prepared to conform to the padlock that society has placed on women’s lips, get comfortable being uncomfortable. You cannot force people to comprehend information the way you please, so be ready for criticism.
Remind yourself why you are talking in the first place, especially if it is for a great cause. Always check with yourself and ensure that you’re not speaking from a need for validation but rather, to share perspective — which is the sole purpose of conversation. Luvvie Ajayi said she uses this set of questions as a checklist before she speaks, “Did you mean it? Can you defend it? Did you say it with love?” and then goes ahead to voice her opinions. Try it.
3. Have a part of your life that is private
Since every other thing is already being judged and picked apart, if you are growing in the public space, or simply love to talk, find parts of your life that you do not share with everyone else. It does not have to be something shady, but maybe keep a few secrets for a change. That way, you will not feel like your entire asshole is open for world to see, and can make peace with the fact that you majorly speak for the good of all.
4. Nothing is wrong with you
Expression is a gift. Speaking and eloquence is highly sought after and I no longer take for granted my ability to command attention. What I am working on is ensuring that what I say is valuable. When carefully curated, stories have the power to change narratives for generations to come.
So do not change your who, change your where, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!
“People and systems count on silence to keep us exactly where we are.” Luvvie Ajayi
So when it matters the most, I hope you speak without the fear of over sharing.
Keep on living🌻
